2009 Mirror and Smokes 9002

The heralding of the new year is just less than a month away. It would also mean a new decade, as we wearily waded away from the first decade of this millenium.

1 Jan 2010 will mean a new year and a new decade. As traditions would hold, we make resolutions, hoping that the air of freshness will lift our spirit and will and hence to accomplish what we set out to do. Yet many a time, it doesn't work out just like that. We missed our targets, frustrations set in and we pray that the next year quickly comes around, just so we can redeem ourselves from our guilt by making more resolutions.

I have a lot of resolutions. First of which is to overcome my laziness and my lack of concentration. Secondly, to better my relationships with my family and close friends and to form new frendships. Thirdly, to pass my CFA.

I could go on. But all these will then be meaningless except to assusage my guilt. I am scared of resolutions, or for that matter, making resolutions. I know I will disappoint myself.

Resolutions scare me......

I dread to pick up the task that I am embarking on. The thought of starting anything overwhelms me. I learnt that I have not accomplish anything for the past 26 years. I squandered the time away and life has a way to get back at me for the wastage.

I need to know the result or deliverables of the task that I am going to do.

I need to know what is required and how are requirements going to be achieved.

My mind seemed to be in a blank state whether I force myself to look at the tasks. I know I have a very bad concentration span and my mind will scream for pleasure whenever I am stuck in an unpleasant situation. It's too pain and frustrating for me to face down a task and to focus my energy.

I am have ONE option now.......

The whole family has shifted to a place at Outram. The first thought that screamed in my mind was.."Have I stepped into the 1970s?" It was a lone housing, built around the same time as those in Queenstown or Tao Payoh, which stood atop a small hill. It also meant that I had to climb up the hill after a long day at work.

I am back from a short trip from Xiamen and one of the highlights was the 10 books that I have bought. They cost about 50 sing dollar and that is about the cost of one book in Singapore. I am so inspired to write as I read through the books. Nothing beats having your thoughts articulated and transformed into words.

The one week I have spent serving the nation was not really wasted. I have found new perspectives through the exchange of experiences with my fellow buddies. It was a rather invigorating break from the normalcy of my working life. And the camp was as if another dimension where everyone became another person. Vulgarities, obscene jokes and pranks were just part and parcel of the "new" life in this dimension. I could never have imagined anyone of us doing what we have done in ORQ or at Orchard.

Been looking at my recent blog posts and realised how dull they are. They lack the prose and humor of my usual stuff and I am starting to think that it is the evil work of .... work itself. It seemed that my work has killed my sense of myself.

It is very easy to imagine how one would handle challenges. To lie on the bed and dream about strategies to overcome the obstacles. To conjure sentences and words to deceive the rocks and boulders. But when it really happens, it is a totally different set of perception. The pain and lethargy is a totally different experience.

And I thought I wouldn't wake from it. The days dragged on bitterly as the changing tides and waxing and waning of the moon no longer affected me. Sun up, sun down is but a change of the colour of the sky. I lost count of the days and dates and my life was zombified.

The work was tough. The person-in-charge was even tougher. The case of the blind leading the blind. And into the abyss of pain we all jumped.

I need to constantly forget that the rules and norms of this society DO NOT bind me. What is considered the correct way to live should not dictate how I should go about handling my life. After all I have only one chance to do it. I am staring out into night outside of my room. It seems so quiet, so tranquil and so....nothingness.

There are two sides to everything. Either you capture the good side and ignore the bad side, or just wallop in despair and believe that there is nothing good. I need to remind myself constantly not to roll in the mud of depression and to carpe diem. There are things to be learnt even in the worst of time. It is through the darkest moments in the night, that the first ray of sunlight reverberates the most. It is through the toughest times that heroes are made. 故天降大任于斯人也.

Here I am lying on my blog with a bloated tummy. I am sure it is not bloated because I had a heavy dinner, which, in fact, I had none. I had almost nothing except for a chinese pear from around 1pm onwards. I had this very nauseating feeling when I was on the cab. I can taste my vomit. I feel like sleeping.

I am currently listening to JJ and Charlene Choi's Little Dimples. Hoping that it will sooth my pain. Well, its not really painful per se, just feels that my body is collapsing upon itself and my brain is releasing many glasses of red/white/yellow wine into my bloodstream. I feel very weak. And for a better word..."nua". Oh man, I found the cantonese version on youtube...so good! JJ sounds funny in cantonese, but I applaud for his effort.

Ok...the bloatness is going away. But I still feel sleepy....

I have wasted the whole monday away doing nothing. Nothing! What happened to all the determination and tenacity that I have lied to myself to get me moving? What happened to the burning desire? It seems that once that I am back in Singapore, all the lies become apparent. I felt betrayed by my ownself. There is nothing more hurting than to be deceived by yourself.

I can't trust myself anymore.

How can I get moving? How do I push myself. I really hope that a big brother can just slap me out of it. The darkening evening sky is giving way to the night. Just as my aspirations is dimming itself to the black lies. The question remains, how do I pull together to transform these lies into promises. Into a motivating force that will propel me to go forward.

Move. Damnit. Move.

What is it to hold on? So fearful of letting go. What is the fear? Is it the great unknown of which what will eventually happen should I just let go, without the comfort of the knowledge that the thing is still within my procession? Yes. As much as I like to say that I embrace changes, I don't. I take comfort in knowing that my life is a movie that keeps on playing. Verily it is not.

It seems like my study life is so far back and now I am slowly morphing into a working machine. And, of course, I am the luckier one. I have seen but I will never understand sufferings. My so-call Armageddons are nothing but pebbles in the life-path.

The things I so jealously guard and hold are just illusions of comfort. What does it take to become a Kenneth?

I have taken the first step.

My msn nick. Its changed from <> to <权>.

What's next?

The title says it all...

It is amazing how selfish one can be. Of course nothing can amaze me anymore. To me, its just a confirmation that people are motivated by their own self-interest. Which is fine. I can totally understand that.

I am not sure why I felt a sense of injustice or anguish. Maybe because I thought better. Or maybe I am just trying to con myself into thinking that this is a good world. I threw my body out to lead a soul-less life and to walk the lonely path of life. A part of me wished the good of people. Yet, the more dominating part refused to accept that humanity is by nature good.

Yes. We are all selfish.

In the late afternoon, I received a news from my colleague that someone died on the fifth floor. For a moment, I was in shock. Outside of family, this was how close Death was to me. I pondered the fragility of life and prayed for the deceased. Praying, not to assuage my guilt, but to hope that his/her family would not be devastated whether economically or emotionally by the passing.

I suddenly thought of my own mortality. I just feel tired having a constant nagging thought that I will dead next moment. I have always imagined my own death. Through old? That would be quite hard for me to bear because I am an impatient man. I hate the feeling of waiting. Through accident? There is always this "I still have so much to see and do".

With a heavy heart, I resumed to work, as it takes pain and worries away from me......

The days were slow and crawling back then. Just one week ago, I thought I would collapse. And now, I am here in Dongguan. Like they say, time is the best medicine for wounds. My recent trip to the abyss is a stark reminder that life is never easy. I used to think, for some people, they have their life planned out for them and all it takes is to walk it. Yet, I know this is no longer true, or rather was never true.

I believe they would have their fair share of angst and injustice. They have managed to pull themselves out and emerge stronger. Like Donald Trump. He has his ego and I believe he must feel hellish when he went into difficult times. However, I always believe that tough times and events make people stronger. I used to like pain and like to do endurance activities. Its not that I am a sadist, but rather I really appreciate the after-effect. During my army days, being on out-field training was terrible. No place to sleep properly, no place to bath, no place to have a decent shit, camo cream on your face for days and mosquitoes. But, I really enjoy the moment when we were back in the bunks. Cold water shower...arhhh. Clean clothes.....arhhh. Instant noodles with luncheon meat and hotdogs....arhhh. And of course, the bed.

I think for the past 4 years in university and at work, I seemed to be too comfortable. My level of endurance dropped to nothing. I give up easily and will find the easy way out. My brain is conditioned to feel "leisure", "comfort" and "relax". Whenever I am doing work, my brain would be swirling with images of me lying on my bed, surfing net, enjoying a late morning breeze. And indeed, I would just give up on my work (procastinate till further notice) and head back home or to simply shut my computer down.

I have lost my tenacity to do the things that I like. I don't dare to take up courses now because I already know that I will procastinate and fail the courses. My lack of discipline is so serious that I am actually glad that that has happened. Like the chinese saying, "当头棒喝", this is a tocsin that I would probably remember for quite sometime.

In times, I would probably go back to my old way. Yet, I hope the future Kenneth would take a look at this post again. Once is enough.

A lot has been through my mind these few weeks. The future. The what-ifs. The grimness of life in general. Its really wearing me out and I can no longer laugh at life. I think I need to move on, like I always do. Perhaps I can't be tied down and pretend that life is a continuous melodrama which I can control. The fact is, in spite of everything, the river of life is just carrying me on. I am breaking apart sooner than I expected. And every effort to conceal the cracks only exacerbate the crumbling my life.

I don't want to go to sleep now. I enjoy the tranquil night. The silence of a sleepy city. The occasion rumbling of the engines. The droning of my fan. Faint whispers of the wind. Darkness is a cooling tea to the throat of a thirsty city. The heat. The noise. The people. The dust. All these fade away to welcome the night.

As I stared out of the window. I wonder how many people are refusing to sleep. And yet, they are enslaved to the routine of waking up early for work. What do we want? What do I want?

I have posted a vid which was called "Army Daze" and it was a 1996 production. I was only Secondary 1 then. How time flies. The setting, the SBS bus, the clothes...all so nostalgic. Eerily familiar and yet historical.

Looking at the full movie...thanks to whoever posted almost the whole movie on youtube, I cannot but feel a sense of "yesterday". Memories of my army life crept back in pieces. I remembered my BMT days, my unit days and my lull days. I was enlisted 04/04/02 on a thursday......and this is not a post on my days before days. This is a post on bonds and friendships.

Malcolm, the protagonist of the show, said towards the end of the show that the gang promised to meet up and organise gatherings but as time went on, and their shared experiences fast fading behind them, and each at their new units, he made a dramatic pause. I knew what he was saying.

Its kind of overwhelming at first. The sadness at how a group of people went from strangers to friends and to buddies. The army is a big cauldron where everyone from all walks of life (except the few privileged white horses) are thrown into the stew of NS. We all go through the same thing and the bonds forged are hence the strongest in the adversaries. But once, BMT ended, NS ended, we soon realise the bonds were not so strong after all. Yes. We will still meet up. We will still chat. But after sometime when we are no longer sharing the same adversaries, the bonds we forged, the cheers and tears, the sweat and nabehs, the luncheon meat and camo creams, all these became distant memories.

I think I already saw it in advance. I am not elevating myself to the status of saint or guru. I just saw it. To be truthful, I don't give in a great deal of myself. NS just gotten my body and not my soul. I was enthusiastic enough not be out-casted but I definitely was in. I kept to myself and hid my world from the rest. I knew whatever bonds formed then was means to an end. A forced circumstance whereby a group of random people would band together to fend off whatever adversaries that would come their way.

I wasn't being cold. I was only being myself.

It is this thing in me that I saw the world differently from other people. I saw the end too quickly to be enthusiastic about it. I saw death, to be really enthusiastic about life (yet my raison de'tre is always carpe diem..another story tho). Maybe its my general outlook in life that I gave up the details.

I have seen how people dealt with their little details that they got engrossed and addicted to the nitties-gritties. They fuss so much over a portion of their life which they saw as an end. To me, its just a snap-shot, a stop-over and a transit.

I feel that I already know what I want. And I really see it. I don't really care about the "nows". I don't really care about lunching with other colleagues, because one day we will part our ways and most probably after a few gatherings, we will only meet once in a blue moon. I don't really care about being nice or friendly to people. I have so much energy and time. I rather choose who I want to be friends with. People I can trust.

There are people who I can't trust. Not that they are the bad kind. But they are those who be friends with you to a certain level. I can theorise the hows and whys. Its a feeling. There are people whom I feel uncomfortable with, no matter how much they try.

After spending a hour looking at the youtubed "Army Daze", I can feel what Malcolm said towards the end of the show. Shared experiences are to be treasured. But as a modern man, we will have many shared experiences. Primary school, Secondary school, JC, Army, part-time work, project groups, University, hall mates, mahjong khakis, first job, second job, third job.

Looking back, I never really did give my all. Was I missing out on something? Was I being lofty and think that I am so high up there? After 16 years of a thinking person. Yea. I am not ashame and regretful of my choices.

I did make sure that I kept my friendship with a few groups of friends. They are the BEST.

Of bonds and friendships, how many of them are still very close to you?

There are many ugly truths. I witnessed one this morning. The flight to Xiamen was delayed from 9.05am to 12pm. This caused many hoo-haas among the people. They believed that by shouting and threatening they can get what they want. I am disgusted and at the same time, telling myself that this is the way of life here.

I believe that they are only wasting their time and the correct thing to do is to enquire for another way out.

Well, I am stuck at the airport for well over 5 hours.

Continuing from this post......